Life is so… whatever.

I trimmed my bangs today.

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And by trimmed I mean hacked off about two inches. And by today I mean yesterday since it’s 3am now. I don’t know, I was at church then I came home and my dad was calling me to dinner and I was at the table already and I was about to dig in except what I did was yell “BRB!” and then went to my room and just… cut it off. I just have moments like this, I don’t know. Mostly I did it because it was getting too long; I haven’t had a haircut since last April (my hair is the longest it’s ever been), but I like having bangs so every month or so I just randomly trim it. I had my hair straightened so it falls directly, straight down, and since then my bangs never quite looked like the way they did when I first had them (since losing that look probably 10 years ago), back in my first year of college, back when I had crap rebonding so it wasn’t quite as straight as it is now and so it looked fuller. But now it’s super straight. My hair has grown out a bit though so the couple of inches of hair starting from the roots has a nice wave to it. For the rest of my hair it’s annoying because there’s this kink around the top of my head while below that my hair falls nice and straight, and I have become best friends with my straightening iron because of that (also I love how soft it makes my hair feel). But it gives my bangs some ~body, and I love how nice it looks now.

But aside from aesthetic purposes, sometimes I’m just itching to do something random and crazy, except I’m too chicken to run off to France or something. Well, ok, maybe Baguio would be more realistic given my resources, but France just sounds so romantic and so fitting for a spur-of-the-moment trip plus I’d get to stalk Colin Morgan if they’re filming Merlin there. But like I said, I’m too chicken to do something really wild and spontaneous. So instead I just cut my hair.

I don’t mean wild as in get spectacularly drunk and then have a one-night-stand with some  random stranger (possibly even female, now that would be ~wild, haha). I just… want to do something outside the usual routine of going to school, going home, going online, etc. Traveling sounds like a fun idea. Or picking up a new hobby or an activity that I’ve always wanted to do but never considered actually trying. I don’t know, just… something.

I once read a story. The plot isn’t actually relevant to my musings, but there’s this one character in the story. This guy was described to have this crazy wanderlust, and once in a while he’d get so restless and just disappear off to wherever he fancied, to find himself or whatever one does on such expeditions. When he was 17 he went off to Hong Kong for three months. In the time frame of the story he set off to Peru for a few weeks. He was always restless, wanted to go off and see the world, to do something new. Sometimes I feel like that. Like there’s something else I want to be doing, instead of this, whatever this is.

Actually, right now this is… well. My career path. Programming. I love this, I really do, I still get this giddy feeling of wonder and amazement whenever I make some new piece of code work, like this is the coolest major ever. But there’s a part of me that will always, always wish I were writing actual words instead. And that’s what’s making me restless. I’m about to graduate in a little over a year (hopefully) but there’s still this niggling feeling at the back of my mind of wanting to do something else.

Sometimes I feel like it’s just because being in this major is so very exhausting mentally and emotionally, and I wish I picked something easier. I wish I could take a break for a year after I graduate. Rest. Travel. Write. Do whatever, before I finally tie myself down with a job and actual adult life. But again, part of it will always be because this wouldn’t have been my first choice (it still would’ve made my list, probably even in the top 5, but never number 1) if I actually had a choice.

There’s this person I know who was a ComSci major for one semester before shifting to journ. (I never knew her in CS actually, despite being in the same batch as her.) She’s doing her thesis now, some investigative journalism project. I’m jealous. I don’t even know what her project is about, exactly. But I’m jealous that she’s doing what I could’ve been doing myself. If only I had the balls to chase after that dream.


Written by eeeek

January 18, 2010 at 3:29 am

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