Life is so… whatever.

this is a dumb post about my dumb feelings about d

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On Saturday D had a… publicity event thing at SM Fairview. I was reluctant to go, and had decided when my sister texted me when it was announced the night before (who’s in charge of this publicity thing? FIRE THEM) that I was only grudgingly going to accept her invitation because she’ll sulk like a two-year-old if I don’t take her, just like she did the last time D was here (because at 20 she is still a child who needs to be taken to places because she has next to no street smarts and wouldn’t know how to commute to an unfamiliar place) (wow this paragraph has been an exercise in abusing parenthetical comments). Except, you know, she’d found a friend who would go with her, and when I said “Fine, I’m going. Grr.” she was like, “What, it’s not my loss if you go.” I was torn between being proud that she’s apparently growing up (FINALLY) and being appalled at her tone. But, you know, I am Pridey McPride and pretended I was still doing it for her sake anyway, when secretly I actually did start wanting to go see him.

Apparently I was the only person in the universe who even thought for a moment that D could visit the country without me going to see him.

me: LOL I WENT TO SEE HIM
my friend i: LOL OF COURSE YOU DID XDDD

Fine. So maybe I like to pretend I’m over him and such, and to be honest when I yell at him (on twitter. in private. i don’t actually have such close ties with him, k) I actually do mean it (SERIOUSLY, HONEY, LOOK AT YOUR LIFE, LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES). But despite all that, he will always, always be my bb (see what I did there). I want to hit him over the head for recent choices, but the moment he opened his mouth and sang Nandito Ako, he had me. (Although it would take an entire album in Filipino for me to forgive him for going on Willie’s show haha. To be fair, at least he didn’t go onscreen with Willie. And HIS FACE WHEN HE WENT ONSTAGE WAS PRICELESS HAHAHAHAHA HE WAS SO BAFFLED IDEK.) He’s been here four times and I come running to him every damn time anyway. I don’t think I will ever not adore him. :(

After his mall appearance, I just realized that I saw him for what is possibly the last time before he leaves, both the country and for his mission. D:  And then my chest started to hurt a little, and I missed him already and if this is how it feels before he leaves, I don’t even want to think about when he’s gone. I’m happy he’s going, honest, but I will miss him. A lot. And suddenly I was glad I went this one last time (well there are other appearances, but I’m not sure if I can go to them. Definitely won’t be able to go to next Saturday’s at least, as I have to go to work).

It was different, the previous times I’d seen him, even though each of them could’ve very well been the last time I’d see him. Now there’s a sense of finality that was never there before despite not knowing whether he’ll come back to the Philippines again. Well, the first time I saw him I was mostly in awe that I saw him at all, and if it’d been the last time, I’d have been okay with that. And then he returned, and of course I had to go see him. And then he came back another time and by then I’d gotten so used to seeing him every year. He spoiled us a lot, sigh. This year he continues that streak, but I know that this is the year he ends it too. And this is not just knowing he’s not coming back to the Philippines — it’s knowing that there’s practically just going to be radio silence on the D front for two years. Sure, he’ll be having his people release some music he’s working on, to keep him on the radar, but it’s different. No more appearances, no more silly tweets, nothing from the man himself. I don’t even know how that feels anymore. Seems lonely. :(

I don’t know what will happen when he comes back from his mission, and he might never have the same opportunities that he does now, so I don’t know if he’ll ever come back to Manila again. I know his fans say they’ll wait for him, but the rest of the world won’t. And despite wishing for the best, I gotta prepare for that. So for me it’s not just the last time in two years. During the event as SM Fairview, despite trying to capture him on camera as much as I could amidst the jostling, I made it a point to just look at him. See him smile one last time. God, his face is still the brightest thing in the universe. And if that’s the last time I’ll ever see him, well. I can’t say I’ll be okay; more likely I’ll spend the next twenty years sobbing over my last videos of him, lol.

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